Category: Mental health

A glass of wine did wonders for my anxiety

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Mental health, Personal stories

  

Which is worse anxiety or depression?

If someone were to ask me if I could choose between my anxiety and depression, I would have to answer that I would much prefer to be depressed.  Anxiety for me was so much harder to cope with.  It’s that feeling you get when you are stepping off a pavement or walking along and slip or trip and suddenly find the ground rushing up to meet you, But instead of lasting 5 seconds the feeling lasts months on end.

 

I was so stressed

I spent so much time, obsessing! About my work commitments, my children, my marriage, my housekeeping, finances, friends, health; expending huge amounts of energy trying to meet the needs (as I perceived them) of others, I had effectively scheduled myself out of my own life.  After a while I started to become convinced that all this stress was going to give me cancer, or a heart attack or a mental breakdown and that I was sure to die young.

 

I had bouts of anxiety

Over the following weeks and months I was to go through bouts of anxiety. And coupled with depression it nearly drove me round the twist!  Just when I thought I was safe and that everything was going to be ok, anxiety would rear its ugly, snarling, spitting, frightening head and threaten my sense of well-being and sanity.

 

I was exhausted all the time

Then followed the chronic relentless fatigue and I couldn’t tell if the tiredness I felt was more mental tiredness, or was I just physically tired? Night time didn’t bring reprieve, no matter how exhausted I felt.  I could not sleep, it was like having a movie projector showing me a combination of my worst fears being realised and the stresses of the day, playing over and over again in my head until I was sure I was going mad or having a breakdown of some sort.  When I did manage to fall asleep I would be jerked awake by nightmares.   My heart would be beating out of my chest, every muscle in my body ached, nights were punctuated by a restless half-awake-half-asleep slumber, my days filled with constant worry.  The anxiety constantly bubbling away in my stomach.

 

A glass of wine did wonders

Now, I never considered myself much of a drinker  per se, but in the end found a glass of wine a great antidote against my anxiety.  At first it “took the edge off”, gave me energy, lifted my mood, helped me relax and even helped me sleep.  Soon the glass of wine became 2, then 3 and before I knew it, it became a bottle. I seemed to need more and more of the stuff as time went on to get the same effect.  And while it helped at first; the anxiety always came back, and when it came back it did so with a vengeance.  Not to mention also being the proverbial slippery slope towards problem drinking. It served only to compound the existing problem and in itself was starting to affect my personal and professional life, amplifying my anxiety even further.

 

I had a full blown anxiety attack

Over time the anxiety become worse and worse until I experienced a full blown anxiety attack.

The first time this happened was on my daily commute to work in Cork.  As I approached the first round-about I suddenly felt sheer panic consume me, my heart beating wildly out of my chest. With a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel the sheer panic rising with every car that proceeded in turn onto the round-about, my breathing became short and erratic, the sensation of pins and needles ran down the length of both arms and lower jaw, I wanted to jump out of the car and run for help,

 

I ‘m going to die

I felt trapped, akin to the same feeling one gets when jumping off the high diving board at the local swimming pool.  “Dear God! It’s finally happening! I am having a heart attack! I am having a heart attack and I’m going to crash the car and kill someone, I’m going to die”.  But of course I didn’t die, I got through the round-about telling myself to breath, to concentrate and to hang on. I knew that something was very wrong and that I was in serious trouble, I felt as though my life was unravelling before my eyes.  I needed to get to my office and ring my GP and tell my boss I needed to go home.

 

The flood gates opened

That same afternoon after the worst of the attack had subsided, I drove home and found myself in my doctor’s office later that afternoon telling her what had happened.  It was like a flood gate had being opened and I broke down crying, telling her everything and asked her what the hell was wrong with me?  She told me that I had had an anxiety attack and reassured me that I was going to be ok.  She gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to take one and get some rest, she also sent a referral letter to Adult Mental Health and I received an appointment letter from them the following day

 

I was self-medicating with alcohol

At my mental health appointment I told the psychiatrist that my life was “simply not working!”  That my anxiety was making me miserable and my life was becoming intolerable, and something needed to be done!  I admitted to her that I was self-medicating with alcohol.  I was referred to see an addiction councillor which shocked me, I mean, was I an alcoholic?!  I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and prescribed medication, and told not to mix my medication with alcohol and told to attend mental health on a weekly basis at first so I could be monitored.

 

I’m better now

Anxiety can be both frightening and debilitating for even the strongest amongst us, but with the right support from Adult Mental Health, your GP and organisations like Aware we can find a way to manage and work through its effects on our daily lives.

 

Should this life sometimes deceive you,

Don’t be sad or mad at it!

On a gloomy day, be humble:

Have faith – cheerful days will come!

 

The heart lives in the future,

Yes, today is gloomy;

But everything is transient, and passes;

When it passes, it will be dear!

Pushkin (Russian translation)

Editor’s Note

Southlady’s story shows how it is important it is, to understand the reasons why you may be drinking too much. By tackling the reasons you are drinking too much, rather than blaming yourself you are more likely to be successful in managing your drinking. You might find our Janus course useful for identifying your reasons for drinking. Click here for details.

I drank to be normal and not feel like a fool

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Mental health, Personal stories

I drank because I was n’t normal

“Dear God, please, make me normal”  I whisper these words while on my knees at the side of my bed. I need to whisper them because if my husband heard me, he would then know, I wasn’t normal. It would explain why I drank the way I did and drove him crazy in the process.

I had this daily ritual for the best part of ten years of my life. Ten years when I drank too much. God bless God, but he never actually answered my prayers and made me normal.

 

What is normal?

I even did all the actions that went along with a determined person asking God to fix them. You know the ones. Squeezing the eyes tight, putting the hands in the prayer position and being on my knees. All the tell tail signs of desperate women trying to gain acceptance in a world were only the “normal” survive. So in trying to feel  normal I drank too much.

I know it sounds like a cliché, but I now have a daily gratitude chat with myself. It includes

“Thank God I’m not normal.”

Simply because what is  normal ?

 

How is normal measured?

 So scientists decide to look at studies of “normal” patterns of behaviour. Let’s say for example they want to know how quickly children learn the alphabet. They take a classroom, look from the slowest to the fastest. Then they  take the group in the middle and declare this group the “normal or average”.  This group’s  speed and time is  the average time to learn the alphabet.  All the school programs and curriculum are designed around the average child. (I’ve over simplified this a  lot but you get the picture!)

 

Lovely shiny labels

Mental health is sometimes measured  much the same way.  A some what exaggerated example.  Scientists  take groups of people, going from the “ manic”  to the “ catatonic”.  Then the middle group are defined as the “average or normal” behaviour. The rest get lovely shiny labels. Usually  with some expensive drugs to help them fight their “disease or disability” and change their behaviour to normal.

 

Homosexuality was not normal

Don’t laugh. This type of process was once used to label people who are homosexual as not normal. At one stage, less than 50 years ago,  homosexuality was labelled as a disease in the DSM. The DSM is  the psychiatrists bible of mental health disorders.  So because people who are homosexual are a smaller group they were seen as ” not normal”. They were told they were ill. We still see the awful effects of this to-day with rates of mental health distress higher in men and women who are homosexual

So remember

There’s No Such Thing As Normal

We seek to be normal

You’re probably still thinking -ERM….YES, THERE IS!  And you and I desperately try to fit in there for fear of looking like a fool. So all through your educational, social, family and love life, we seek to be one thing. Normal, and this is where my problems began.

To fit into the norm, many of us must turn our natural talents up or down to suit the social circle we live in. Some of us have gifts in ways that are truly beautiful. But because we live in a world where it’s not good to stand out  we tone them down. It means our actual brightness and brilliance is never exposed. It’s almost  tragic when you realise that you and I are being denied the talents of musicians, artists, playwrights because they are trying to fit into the normal world.

 

I missed the opportunity to enjoy my children

For me, the real pain hit hard. I realised I was so desperate to fit in and be acccepted as a good, “normal” mother that I missed the opportunity to enjoy my children.

I was sticking to rigid  routines and forcing my kids to keep up with “normal” children.  From sleeping through the night, to  toilet training and  reading ability.  The pressure to have our  children “normal”  is disastrous for any mother. We know that children develop at their own pace and speed. By forcing them to fit into the middle normal section of society, we are sending the message to them that they shouldn’t be different.  They are not wonderful as they are.

 

I don’t worry now about how “normal” I am

I’m thankful now. I don’t have to worry (or even care) about how normal I am. I’m blessed with a mind of my own and talents  I have developed over time. Of course, I’m not totally confident inside.  I still have insecurities. I very often have to double check my words before they come from my mouth. I do this as I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone and not everyone thinks and feels the way I do about everything. But this is what makes being human so interesting.

 

A world with no shame

Imagine a world where there was no judgment, shame, norms or rigid  rules about how we should behave. A world where we drank sensibly, purely for pleasure and without harming ourselves?  (Ok we still need good rules about not killing each other and stopping at red traffic lights.) But imagine  a world where love, freedom, and respect were the three most important components to a blissful society. Well, this is how our world is supposed to be. So why isn’t it?

 

We are easier to control if we strive to be normal

Society tries to  keep us in a constant state of normality.  We are easier to control this way. The way I drank  meant I did n’t  have the energy to think and question things around me. Some people would lose out on a great deal of money and power if the whole world started to think for themselves.  What  if everyone walked away from making products and doing things that don’t serve humankind or our planet?  What if we started bringing our  gifts, talents and beautiful selves to the surface. What do you think might happen. Yes, you’re right. Our lives would be incredible.

As the song goes

“Tell me why are we so blind to see, that the ones we hurt are you and me”

From, Coolio, Gangsters Paradise.

 

Don’t be afraid of society’s judgement

So be the person, you would want to be if you were not so afraid of society’s judgement. Be a good role model of a person happy with themselves.  So  your children will be grow up to be happy in their own skins and not trying to constantly to fit in.  Be the person you would like to hang out with.

You’ll be more fascinating, fun and dare I say it…One day being just ourselves may be “Normal”

I could not stop myself crying

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Mental health, Personal stories

Last week my son graduated from National school.  He’s the last child we have living with us out of five children and during the graduation ceremony, I could not stop myself crying. It meant the end of an era for my husband and I.  We wouldn’t be coming back to the school again for anything to do with our children.

I sat there with hot tears dripping down my face, trying not to draw attention to myself and hoping I didn’t burst into the “noisy ugly cry”. Then I thought about how good it feels to be able to cry now for a “real” reason. It feels great to know “why” I’m crying. I’m happy my son is graduating, growing up and becoming more independent, but sad I won’t be visiting the school any more.

It’s nice to be able to “own” my feelings and know they aren’t exaggerated or numbed by alcohol or a hangover.

 

Alcohol numbs our feelings

It’s said drinking numbs our emotions and that it’s impossible to selectively numb our feelings.  I believe this to be 100% correct. Many people who don’t have alcohol difficulties think that those of us who use alcohol to cope, don’t have “real feelings” because we’re numbed out.  I don’t feel this is 100% accurate. However, I understand why they might think that way.

However, it’s a little trickier than just numbing and not feeling anything.

It’s more like our emotions are either exaggerated or dulled down by alcohol. We do still feel pain and joy; it’s just not  our real emotions.

The therapists call these real feelings  “authentic” feeling.

 

I never cried at the start of my drinking journey

When I discovered alcohol was a great energy booster, I never cried. I was on top of the world, getting my work done in record time. I was able to cope with life, felt great and had nothing to cry over. I was happy almost all of the time. I was able to invest a lot of time into my children because when they went to bed, I got my glass of energy booster and had completed the following days chores before I went to bed.

It freed up my time to “be a better mother” you know like the ones in the glossy magazines that show off their homes and family portraits. However, alcohol is a drug that doesn’t come with a warning that says “the happy side effects don’t last forever.”

 

I could suddenly find myself crying

I can’t put my finger on when the crying and frustration started, but I think it was when I was about a year or so into my drinking life. I might suddenly find myself just crying for no reason at nothing in particular. It wasn’t the deep hurt crying; it was more the tears slightly flowing while peeling the spuds or driving alone somewhere and it was very subtle.

I put it down to me just being an “emotional woman.” You know those days when the Christmas adverts come on, and they play the songs and show pictures of loving families coming together for the holidays. The ones that that rip your heart out and make tears stream down your face? Yes, it was that type of crying.

 

When crying becomes unbearable

When I was a few years into my drinking and after my first rehab, the crying became painful. It gets that way because it turns into an angry, frustration cry. There is nothing worse than trying very hard to do something and doing it the way you are instructed, only to fail time and time again.

What hurts the most about  alcohol related crying is that we get very little support or compassion from families and friends.

We get told to

“Cop ourselves on”

or

“What do you expect?”

You know the usual

“It’s your fault”

talks.

For many of us that have been on the drink/sober roundabout for many years, these remarks and comments can become dangerous. The reason is that if we feel we are not able to do what is expected of us, then our thoughts can often turn to suicide. We very often become exhausted after many years of failed attempts, insults, and shame.

 

It does get better

When the cost of failure is so high, the impact can be horrendous.  But if you are prepared to change or tweak some parts of your drinking, then you may have a better chance of leading a happy life than trying to stop drinking altogether.

When I left the alcohol rehab world and moved over to a mental health service, I was taught to think differently about why I needed to drink.

I was encouraged to cut back rather than cut out drinking; I felt I had some power. I refused to allow my family to confront me anymore about my drinking and informed them I was on the road to getting better.

I told them their negative comments were making things worse; I also stopped crying about failing and I began to get it together. So everybody is different and you need to find an approach that’s right for you.

If people trying to  help you keep simply blaming you, rather than helping you to understand the reasons you drink too much, it may be time to discuss whether  their approach is helping or hindering you.

 

My drinking still makes me cry

You might think that my drinking doesn’t make me cry anymore. It sometimes appears to others that I have moved on.  My life is much better now that I can go from one day to another without reaching for alcohol. However, it doesn’t take away the regret for my wasted years of drinking  and this can make me cry even after all these years.

Sometimes I get emotional with the gratitude I feel that I now have power and don’t need alcohol to make it through the day.

 

It doesn’t happen all the time, and more of my tears are for other people rather than myself. But now if I ever cry about anything I can be sure it’s authentic and real. My crying is helping me to heal whatever it is I’m crying about because it’s a great way to release frustration.

So even though it burns a lot of my energy, I allow myself to cry without feeling ashamed.  I still cry at the flipping emotional adverts!

Finally, if you’re trying to decide whether you should stop drinking altogether or simply reduce your drinking, you might find our online course helpful. Click here for details.

Is Dementia caused by alcohol?

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Mental health, Physical health

Dementia is a term used to describe a range of symptoms affecting the brain which can affect people differently. Symptoms may include memory, language loss, and ability to do everyday tasks.

These words cannot really describe the cruelty and pain of dementia where the person you love gradually disappears and is replaced by a stranger who needs 24 hour assistance. Helping to care for my own Mother who has Alzheimer’s is really challenging and I now totally understand the meaning of “Burn out”.

I’ve often come home, really wanting to drown my sorrows in a few bottles of beer. The only thing that stops me, is the certainty I will have a massive handover the next day. (I’m a lightweight when it comes to drinking!)

 

People wore black for a year

In the old days, in some groups, people wore black for a year and kept the window blinds down to indicate they had suffered a bereavement. I sometimes wish this tradition existed for people caring for a loved one with dementia as it would make life easier. No more door to door salespeople ringing the doorbell when I’m struggling to get my Mother changed. My Mother’s hearing is acute and she always insist on the door been answered. A single doorbell can add another 30 minutes to the personal care routine. Both my Mother and her (late) Mother have dementia. So I’m very interested in avoiding it, if I can.

 

Risk factors for developing dementia

There are many different risk factors for developing dementia. Some of these can be controlled for example, high cholesterol. Other factors can’t be controlled  -for example genetic factors. (That’s me in trouble)

Generally it appears that a good diet, exercise, close friendships, an active life using your brain all help to reduce the risk of dementia. (Does writing blog posts count as using your brain?)

 

Is alcohol a risk factor for dementia?

Research indicates a definite YES. Alcohol is a risk factor for dementia. Studies show heavy drinking can increase your risk of developing dementia. Yet another reason to cut back on your drinking.

 

One dementia type commonly caused by alcohol abuse

There’s even  one specific type of dementia called Korsakoff’s syndrome which often  occurs in people drinking too much alcohol.  There is evidence it is often confused with other dementias and is under diagnosed in older people.

 

Korsakoff’s syndrome

Korsakoff’s syndrome most commonly occurs in people drinking too much alcohol. It can also be caused by Aids, and various other factors such as poor nutrition. A lack of vitamin B1 is thought to cause Korsakoff’s syndrome. So people  drinking heavily may reduce their risk by taking vitamin B1. (Please consult your doctor if in doubt)

One in eight people who are physically dependent on alcohol may develop Korsakoff’s syndrome and the number of people with Korsakoff’s syndrome seems to be increasing.

 

Risk factors for Korsakoff’s syndrome

You are more likely to be at risk of developing Korsakoff’s syndrome if

  • You have been drinking in a harmful way for 5 or more years.
  • You are drinking 28 or more standard drinks per week on a regular basis.
  • You have had frequent ‘memory blackouts’ while drinking.
  • You are over the age of 35.
  • You have had alcohol-related liver damage.
  • You have had many alcohol withdrawals or detoxes.
  • You binge drink regularly.
  • You don’t eat enough while drinking.
  • You have been admitted to hospital because of your drinking.

 

Can Korsakoff’s syndrome be reversed?

Unlike many dementias which continue to progress, Korsakoff syndrome can be reversed.

If a person remains alcohol free and has a good diet, then the majority of people will see some improvement. This can happen over a period of months or up to two years.

  • 25% of people will make a full recovery,
  • 25% of people will make a significant recovery,
  • 25% will make a partial recovery.
  • 25% of people will make no recovery and will have permanent difficulties.

The extent of the recovery may depend on the quality and availability of specialist rehabilitation services. In Ireland, services can be difficult to find. You can find a website on services here.

Younger people have a better chance of recovery.

For more about Korsakoff’s syndrome, click here to go to the Alcohol Action forum guide. .

If you’d like to find out more about reducing alcohol harm, our short free mini course may help. Click here for details.

Finally, if you’re worried about your drinking, you can check if you have a problem here.

 

It’s never too late to stop drinking alcohol

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Mental health, Personal stories

 

I love not drinking alcohol. Quitting alcohol was the best decision I ever made and the benefits to both my mental and physical health have been endless. One of the things I didn’t expect to gain from being teetotal – or rather, something I just never really thought about – is clarity. I didn’t quite appreciate how fogged my mind was from regular and heavy drinking until I put down the bottle for good.

 

I began to see the world in technicolour

Once I’d embarked upon sober living, and stopped drinking alcohol my brain seemed to come back to life and I began to see the world in Technicolour – or that’s how it felt!

For this reason alone, I believe it’s never too late to stop drinking. Even if you’ve been knocking back the booze for decades and feel as if you’re too old in the tooth to make such dramatic changes to your life…my advice would be to just try it.

 

Alcohol prevents us from feeling pure joy

The numbing properties of alcohol can be alluring when things are not going our way and we want to block out pain. But alcohol also then prevents us from feeling true joy – the kind of joy that envelops your whole being and makes you feel like singing at the top of your voice and shouting from the rooftops. That joy doesn’t happen immediately after you quit the booze; it can take several months of adjustment before you are emotionally open to experiencing such unfettered happiness.But it’s really worth the wait.

 

A natural high

People call this type of happiness ‘a natural high’, and for me, these rare moments of über pleasure are better than any ‘high’ I ever achieved artificially from booze or other drugs. I have felt as though I’m walking on air on so many occasions since being sober – running though the park, sitting in my garden, being with my partner and feeling fully connected, watching my youngest daughter sleeping, laughing at a stupid joke with my eldest child…the list goes on. The common factors in all of these experiences are: my mind is totally clear, I have no shame or self-loathing weighing me down, I’m living a life that I love instead of one that brings me misery on a frequent basis, and my appreciation for the ‘small stuff’ went through the roof once I kicked booze out of my life.

 

It’s never too late to stop drinking alcohol

It’s never too late to treat yourself to these natural and beautiful moments, when you are able to see the world for the amazing place it really is. You’re never too old to know what it feels like to be truly happy, or to experience full gratitude for all that you have at your fingertips. For me, it would never have been possible to feel such joy with alcohol poisoning my mind and body on such a regular basis. And while there are countless other benefits to be had from leading an alcohol-free existence, this one, for me, comes top of the list every time.

 

Editor’s Note.

You can find out whether to stop drinking alcohol or simply reduce your alcohol intake here.

Can an alcohol counsellor help you?

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Mental health, Practical tips, Professional help

 I talked in this post about  rehabs and promised to come back to how an alcohol counsellor may help. So first to explain some terms.

 

What is counselling & psychotherapy?

Counselling & Psychotherapy are words used to  describe  a range of talking therapies which is when you meet with a health care professional  (often known as therapist) who is specially trained to  help. Counselling usually involves committing to a series of regular sessions of about an hour in length over a period of time.

 

Is it easier to talk to a stranger?

Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends.  During counselling the therapist listens to you and helps you find your own answers to problems without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry or just think without judging you.

 

You do not need to be in a crisis

You do not need to be in crisis to go to counselling, in the same way you might do a course to get a promotion or better job, counselling can be a form of self-development in order to lead a happier more productive life.  It can also help to maintain a sense of well-being whilst facing challenges in your life.  For example, caring for an elderly parent with Alzheimer’s can be very stressful. I’m in this situation and even though I have very supportive friends I find it really helpful to talk to a counsellor on a regular basis.

 

There are many different types of counsellors

There are many different types of counsellors/therapists with psychological training from clinical psychologists, occupational psychologists, to counselling psychologists, psychothera­pists to CBT counsellors and creative art therapists. Each of these is trained to treat your mental health problems in a different way and there is much discussion about which way is best. Some of these professionals will have gone through their own personal psychological therapy as part of their training, but others do not.

 

Do all counsellors treat alcohol misuse?

Because of the different types of training they receive alcohol and mental health issues are seen as two different problems. So many counsellors treat mental health issues only and not alcohol abuse issues. This does seem a little crazy as the research shows many people misusing alcohol have an underlying health problem such as anxiety or depression. You can find out more about this issue on this website here. (Note: Angela and I helped to co-found this website)

 

Do all alcohol counsellors help with mental health problems?

It depends on when and where they trained. Some alcohol counsellor training  courses follow the Alcohol Anonymous 12 step model and the alcohol counsellors are not trained to deal with other  mental health issues. Ideally it is best to choose a counsellor who is trained to treat both alcohol misuse and mental health issues.

 

Which alcohol counsellor is best for me?

Research shows  a good relationship with your psychologist or counsellor is the most important part of solving your problem.

You should make sure you feel comfortable and safe with your counsellor and you choose a therapist that supports you in setting your own treatment goals and uses a therapy that suits you.

 

Try to understand what you need

For example, you may have experienced bullying in school but never abused alcohol until you started experiencing anxiety as a result of a stressful work situation. So you may decide you wish to learn to manage your anxiety better, but do not wish to re-open the issue of your childhood bullying. A professional and ethical therapist will accept your decision and work with you on your anxiety only without passing judgement or attempting to re -open the childhood bullying issue as they will know this could be very damaging to you.

 

CBT therapy

CBT therapy can be very effective for anxiety and alcohol misuse and does not generally have to look at childhood issues. A therapist who uses only psychoanalytic therapies may tend to help by examining childhood issues. They may tend to focus on your childhood. So it is useful to know what type of approach the counsellor will use. A highly trained alcohol counsellor will use a mix of  therapy approaches as that way they are more likely to find an approach that suits you.

We’ll have a course on CBT soon, so if you’d like to know when it becomes available please click here.

In a future post, I’ll deal with selecting the right counsellor for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Meditation helped my sober mind

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Mental health, Personal stories, Practical tips

I began meditating a couple of years ago in an effort to try and calm my busy mind, as it has a habit of rattling out a constant internal dialogue during each and every waking moment of my life. I had an idea that this restless mind of mine could perhaps be one of the reasons why I loved a glass of wine so much, as excessive alcohol has the power to switch things off mentally for a while. I needed to create a sober mind.

 

Creating a sober mind

Quietening the mind through imbibing alcohol to the point of slipping into an unconscious heap on the settee is not the goal that your average Buddhist monk is aiming for!  I came to this realisation around the time I knocked drinking on the head. Meditation, however, offers a mind-calming solution minus the coma, so I went along to my local Buddhist centre for a few sessions. To see whether it would help create a sober mind.

I surprised myself with the ease that I relaxed into such a peaceful state, especially given that I was sitting amongst a room full of people I had never met, all sitting with their eyes closed and feet resting atop small red cushions on the floor. However, I struggled to prevent wild thoughts (or monkey mind) from periodically posing a threat to the inner peace I was experiencing fleetingly (but which felt just wonderful when it happened).

 

Would I ever shut my monkey mind up?

After a few weeks of attending the meditation class I spoke to someone who I gathered was a long time meditator, and asked her if I would ever be able to shut my monkey mind up. What she told me was very interesting, and should be borne in mind if you have experienced the same difficulties in maintaining a true silencing of the mind. The goal of meditation, she said, was to develop a greater awareness of the mind and how it operates, and whilst sometimes it is possible to quiet the raging flow of ideas and thoughts that insist on popping up out of nowhere when you are trying to visualise a blue sky and nothing else, quite often those who are meditating (even people with vast experience of the practice) do not succeed in completely closing down their thought process.

 

Don’t view a  busy mind as failure

Rather than view this as a failure, the woman informed me that if I was meditating (monkey mind being awake or not) then I was meditating – with or without the restful, thought-free headspace. Becoming more in tune with your mind allows you to view it as a separate entity that will constantly produce random thoughts – some right and others wrong, some representative of you and others not – beyond your control.

 

Learn to create space from your thoughts

This perception of the mind as almost a living thing in its own right helped me immeasurably to deal with my alcohol issues. Aided by meditation, I have developed the ability to recognise my monkey mind, bad voice, devil on my shoulder, wine witch, call it what you will, and to distance myself from the thoughts which are counter-intuitive to the person I think I am and who I strive to be in the future. Rather than interacting with this negative voice, I am now able to observe it objectively, giving me the power to deal with it as I see fit.

 

Editor’s note.

You might find our course which includes a mediation on cravings helpful. Click here

Drinking, shame & not beating your self up

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Mental health, Personal stories

 

I’m incredibly passionate about living a clean existence – more so because I can still recall (with great clarity) the polar opposite: the hangovers, the awful sense of shame on particular mornings, and the secrecy, the double life I seemed to be leading sometimes. I especially remember the kernel of dread that I’d wake up with, a knot of fear in my stomach that I desperately wanted rid of but which routinely took days or even weeks to leave me.

 

Shame follows drinking

I often read on Soberistas.com (frequently on Monday mornings) blogs that describe feelings of shame. The people who write them have typically picked up a drink over the weekend, truly believing that they will be able to stop after just a couple (haven’t we all done that?), but who have then gone on to have a major blowout. This, in turn, leads to a variety of catastrophic consequences – an angry argument, a regrettable sexual encounter, passing out in front of the kids – many of which aren’t unfamiliar to me.

 

I’m allergic to alcohol, I break out in handcuffs

Here’s the truth: if a person who cannot moderate comes to recognise the fact that if he or she has A drink it will inevitably lead to LOTS of drinks, then things become a whole lot easier. When that time arises, happy days – it becomes less of a struggle to stay away from booze, knowing that the stuff is likely to bring about the eruption of a sequence of disastrous events (as Robert Downey Junior once said,

“I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs”.

The problem comes about before this epiphany occurs, when a little voice is perpetually whispering, ‘one won’t hurt’ and ‘everyone has a few too many at some point or another’.

 

A desire to drink in moderation may not be enough

A desire to drink in moderation is simply not enough for some people to actually be able to drink in moderation. And for those people, once the first drink goes down, all self-control is lost. At that stage, a person is stripped of the ability to exercise caution or good sense in whatever it is they are doing. It becomes a lottery situation, a Russian roulette of life – how bad things end up is just a matter of potluck. This is how it always was with me, never knowing where the drink would take me, almost crossing my fingers at the beginning of a night out as I prayed things wouldn’t descend too low.

 

Talk to others

A good starting point for reaching this point of acceptance is to talk to others who have also experienced difficulties when drinking. Whether this is at a real-life meeting or with an online group such as Soberistas.com, airing your thoughts and feelings about your drinking habits is a really helpful thing to do for contextualising, understanding and, finally, for beginning to resolve an alcohol dependency

 

Editor’s note

The research indicates genetic factors and environment are key factors in whether some one is likely to have an alcohol misuse problem. Unfortunately, as yet there is no diagnostic test to  determine if some one is likely to be unable to moderate their alcohol  intake. If you’re trying to decide what’s right for you, you might find this course helpful.

 

I can feel without being terrified

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Mental health, Personal stories

quit drinking

A massive cliff

When I first quit drinking I frequently felt as though I was teetering on the threshold of a massive cliff. The edge represented the abyss of my feelings, the emotional reservoir that I had successfully avoided for my entire adult life, and I was petrified of letting myself go anywhere near it. Daytimes were manageable, filled as they were with childcare or work and characteristically lacking in the impressively stubborn self-destruct button that would worm its way into my head as the days evolved into early evening. But when darkness descended, I routinely walked to the brink of feeling, and would always run in the opposite direction.

 

I was so terrified of feeling my feelings

I know why I was so terrified of feeling my feelings: I’m still very conscious of it now, the enormity of human emotions, the turbulent effect they can have upon me, how they possess the unnerving potential to grow unwieldy and all-consuming. Emotions can be big, exciting, terrifying, out-of-control, barely there, impossible to ignore and pleasant, but crucially, they are merely a part of what it is to be a human being – and that fact took me a while to get my head around when I first stopped drinking.

 

Feeling emotions felt bizarre

Initially, feeling emotions felt bizarre and uncomfortable. I was so accustomed to quashing the whole spectrum of my reactions to life that, once free of alcohol, living turned into a medley of colossal ups and downs and my kneejerk response of seeking numbness did not disappear for several months. What I noticed, however, was that as time went by, I began only to wish away the bigger feelings. Boredom, slight shyness and mild grievances – those became doable fairly early on. The challenge lay in the real tsunamis of the emotional range; grief, heavy regret, heartache. When they hit, the old tendency to flee from myself would rise up from the ashes, and eliminating them would require an inner strength that I never knew I possessed.

It was incredibly difficult to ride the storm and just ‘be’, but now, after four and half years without alcohol, I’m there. I can feel without feeling terrified. Here are a few things I have learnt about managing my emotions:

 

This too shall pass

Emotions don’t last forever. Some of them might feel uncomfortable and unpleasant, but bad feelings come and go like tempests in your soul. When I feel unhappy nowadays I just sit it out but with the comforting knowledge that my internal state has no permanence.

 

Feeling our emotions is OK

The anticipation of experiencing feelings is far worse than the reality. Numbing our emotions with alcohol is not actually the ‘normal’ human experience, despite the way society normalises heavy drinking. Feeling our emotions is OK and entirely natural, and it will feel less bizarre the more you do it.

 

There’s nothing like it

Negative emotions can be a challenge to deal with, but sobriety allows for both good and bad emotional rollercoasters. Yes, you may have to cope with heartache, grief, disappointment or stress without the numbing properties of ethanol flat-lining your emotional state, but try feeling the purity of joy, pride, relief, falling in love or a sense of achievement free from an alcoholic fog. There’s nothing like it.

 

Live in the moment

Living in the moment by practising mindfulness truly helps when it comes to managing out-of-control emotional states. Meditation is an excellent place to start with this and there are tons of books and online resources on mindfulness to tap into.

 

Feelings are stepping stones

Regard every challenging feeling you experience as a major stepping-stone in your journey to emotional wellness. With each one, you will grow stronger and better equipped to deal with the good ones, the bad ones, and the ones in between. Avoid wishing your feelings away, and accept that they are a valid element of your life experience.