Thomas is Valerie’s husband. Here are his top tips if your loved one is drinking too much.
Try to understand why
Don’t question the drinking too much, question the reasons behind it.
Seek a middle ground
Never demand “you ‘re drinking too much, you need to quit drinking.” It’s easier to seek a middle ground.
Don’t hide or throw away drink
Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for bottles in hiding places.
Don’t bother throwing the drink down the sink. It makes it worse. Trust me.
Don’t argue when your partner is drunk
Never argue with your partner while s/he’s drinking or hung over. Mate, you’re flogging a dead horse if you try. Just let her/him sleep it off first
Not all residential rehabs offer mental health care
Stay away from residential rehabs that offer religion in their care plans.
Stay away from rehab services that don’t provide mental health care delivered by mental health professionals. (Editor’s note see “rehab, when is it needed“)
Trust your own judgement
Trust your own judgement. You know your partner longer than any doctor or specialist. If it looks like they are trying to convince you to do something, you don’t feel is right for you, then don’t do it.
Get help with your children
If necessary have a family member move into the home to watch your children.
If there’s no family member available, as a very last resort check out the social services. Preferably with some one who has recently used your local social services. Don’t assume they know what they are doing though. I’ve heard both good and awful stories.
Get help at work
Talk to your boss if things get bad. But only if you know, he/she will be willing to give you time off if needed..
Say it’s a mental health problem, not a drinking problem. Bosses are more sympathetic to you going home to care for your mentally ill partner than your drunk partner!
Protect your partner from verbal abuse
Your partner is not an emotional punching bag. No matter what arguments ye have don’t allow others to speak to him/her like he/she’s worthless. You know he/ she’s not well. If he/she had cancer, you wouldn’t allow family members to insult or upset him/her. Addiction is no different and insults will only make things worse.
Don’t change your drinking habits to control your partner
If you usually wouldn’t drink at home then don’t agree to drink with him/her. You might think you will change his/her drinking pattern. You won’t. He/She’s emotionally drinking and getting drunk with her/him won’t fix that!
Harm reduction can be useful
Look at harm reduction (reducing the drinking) as a starting point. He/She gets to address her drinking, which often is an emotional difficulty. He/She isn’t forced to quit, and you get to take a breath.Win, win.
AA doesn’t work for everyone. That’s only real in the movies or tv soaps. So don’t force it on him/her.
Try to agree what is not ok
Try to come to an agreement about what’s not ok. Drinking and driving. Drinking and calling you or other people. Drinking and getting on facebook talking about their family life, etc
Editor’s Note
If you liked this, you might enjoy how Thomas coped with Valerie’s drinking.
If you’re a family member affected by a loved one’s drinking you might find the links below useful.
The Rise Foundation and Family Support Network provide support for families.
A helpful book called Living with a problem drinker from counsellor Rolande Anderson
Valerie, Thomas and their children tell their story of recovering from alcohol misuse in their book
