Tag: relationships

Thomas’s top tips if your partner is drinking too much

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Personal stories, Practical tips, Relationships

Thomas is Valerie’s husband. Here are his top tips if your loved one is drinking too much.

Try to understand why

Don’t question the drinking too much, question the reasons behind it.

 

Seek a middle ground

Never demand “you ‘re drinking too much, you need to quit drinking.” It’s easier to seek a middle ground.

 

Don’t hide or throw away drink

Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for bottles in hiding places.

Don’t bother throwing the drink down the sink. It makes it worse. Trust me.

 

Don’t argue when your partner is drunk

Never argue with your partner  while s/he’s drinking or hung over. Mate, you’re flogging a dead horse if you try.  Just let her/him sleep it off first

 

Not all residential rehabs offer mental health care

Stay away from residential rehabs that offer religion in their care plans.

Stay away from  rehab services  that don’t provide mental health care delivered by mental health professionals. (Editor’s note see “rehab, when is it needed“)

 

Trust your own judgement

Trust your own judgement. You know your partner longer than any doctor or specialist. If it looks like they are trying to convince you to do something, you don’t feel is right for you, then don’t do it.

 

Get help with your children

If necessary have a family member move into the home to watch your  children.

If  there’s no family member available, as a very last resort check out the social services.  Preferably with some one who has recently  used your local social services.  Don’t assume they know what they are doing though. I’ve heard both good and awful stories.

 

Get help at work

Talk to your boss if things get bad.  But only if you know, he/she will be willing to give you time off if needed..

Say it’s a mental health problem, not a drinking problem. Bosses are more sympathetic to you going home to care for your mentally ill partner than your drunk partner!

 

Protect your partner from verbal abuse

Your partner  is not an emotional punching bag.  No matter what arguments ye have don’t allow others to speak to him/her like he/she’s worthless. You know he/ she’s not well.  If  he/she had cancer, you wouldn’t allow family members to insult or upset him/her. Addiction is no different and insults will only make things worse.

 

Don’t change your drinking habits to control your partner

If you usually wouldn’t drink at home then don’t  agree to drink with him/her. You might think  you will change his/her drinking pattern. You won’t.  He/She’s emotionally drinking and getting drunk with her/him won’t fix that!

 

Harm reduction can be useful

Look at harm reduction (reducing the drinking)  as a starting point. He/She gets to address her drinking, which often is an  emotional difficulty.  He/She isn’t forced to quit, and you get to take a breath.Win, win.

AA doesn’t work for everyone. That’s only real in the movies or tv soaps. So don’t force it on him/her.

 

Try to agree what is not ok

Try to come to an agreement about what’s not ok.  Drinking and driving. Drinking and calling you or other people. Drinking and getting on facebook talking about their family life, etc

 

 

Editor’s Note

If you liked this, you might enjoy how Thomas coped with Valerie’s drinking.

If you’re a family member affected by a loved one’s drinking you might find the  links below useful.

The Rise Foundation and Family Support Network provide support for families.

A helpful book called Living with a problem drinker from counsellor Rolande Anderson

Valerie, Thomas and their children tell their story of recovering from alcohol misuse in their book

“Come back when you’re sober”

 

 

 

How my husband coped with my drinking

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Personal stories, Relationships

We never thought we were the divorce type.  However alcohol misuse does crazy stuff to your marriage.  The word DIVORCE comes up a lot.

Let’s get honest here, many marriages fail. They fall apart now more than ever for a variety of different reasons. But when you add an alcohol misuse problem to any marriage you have trouble on your hands.

So when I (Valerie) started drinking to numb my depression, it didn’t take long for cracks (that may have already been there) to burst wide open.

 

Drinking is different for women than men

The consequences are different for women who use alcohol to numb or cope with life. We usually drink in a different way. The ladies choosing to drink more at home, while men tend to be more “pub and pals drinkers.”

If you’re a married or in a long-term relationship and you have children, your drinking becomes a problem earlier. Family members are more likely to speak to you quickly about your alcohol misuse than if you were a man. Why?

 

Main caregivers who drink bring everyone down with them

Well, for us it was because I was the main caregiver to everyone in the house.  My drinking brought me down.  I also  brought everyone else down with me, whether they wanted to or not.

When it came to my husband (Thomas), he came kicking and screaming!

 

Thomas says

“It’s so hard for men to know what to do when it comes to their wives drinking. We’re often torn between;

1) trying to understand why she’s drinking like this

2) trying to make sure the family is ok

3) trying to make sure nobody finds out what’s going in in his home.

The pressure to seek a fix to the drinking problem overwhelms our lives. There’s little or no space for us to catch a breath. Having a wife with a drinking problem was like getting a kick in the stomach every day

Fear consumed me daily

Fear overwhelmed me. Fear of looking weak. Fear of losing my wife and children in an accident. Fear of losing my job because I could n’t concentrate properly.  Fear of answering her calls because I was listening to her drunken voice.  Or even worse fear of losing my mind. Was this going to be how it was for the rest of our married life?

 

There is no manual to follow

No manual explains what do when your wife gets drunk on a regular basis.The self-help books only covered men becoming alcoholics. There was never a mention of the woman drinking. How was I suppose to react to the women I shared my life with. Had I done something or missed something that I was expected to do or see. What in the name of God was happening? So when Valerie started to seek help, I was so relieved because soon it would be all in the past and we could get back to normal.”

 

Getting help for my alcohol misuse just made things worse!

Little did we know that seeking help was going to be the start of more problems. In the beginning, it was ok. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. Thomas was just happy I had stopped drinking. Four months in, he started to relax and put the whole drinking issue behind him.  He felt confident.  I had found the solution to my drinking problem and it would never return. But it did return and with a vengeance. It came back simply because I was getting help for an alcohol problem when I had a depression problem. It’s a little like giving a cough mixture to a lung cancer patient. It might ease a cough, but the cancer is still growing and spreading.

We didn’t find this out until ten years later.

 

Thomas coped by slowly and silently going insane

“Living with a problem drinker will slowly and quietly drive you crazy. If you’re a man, it will do things to you. It will make you feel and think things that you never thought you were capable of.  It’s the loneliest road you’ll ever travel.

It’s not like you can go to a group and talk it through with other men.  That’s a women’s thing. Women can sit there all night thrashing out whatever it is that’s annoying them. Then they come home feeling all better and heard. It’s not like that for men. We just  take it and get on with it. Well, that’s the way I am.

 

You don’t have time to talk to any one

Anyway, when your wife is drinking a lot you don’t have time to talk to anyone. You’re too busy managing the kids, doing homework, organising dinner. Trying to keep your boss off your back.  Trying to make sure your farm doesn’t run itself into the ground. Sitting in a group talking and listening doesn’t get any of those things done.”

 

Letting go was hard but worth it

When I finally started to get well, it was a slow painful process. I had to start demanding my life back.  Thomas had taken control of everything from the running of our home to money.  It was hard for him to trust me and let go of the control. However the longer I stood up for myself and took back my power the better Thomas’s life got. Soon the pressure of doing too much was taken from him.  Now  he had time to do other things he enjoyed. The fear started to subside.   He cautiously and slowly began to get hopeful about a future for us.

 

Editor’s Note

If you’re a family member affected by a loved one’s alcohol misuse you might find the information below useful.

The Rise Foundation provide support to families.

Living with a problem drinker. a book by counsellor Rolande Anderson.

 

In a future post Thomas will give his top tips for coping with a partner  that drinks too much. Make sure you do not miss it by signing up for our email list here.

I gave myself a hangover headache

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Social Life, The big picture

My friends had organised a night out to celebrate my birthday.  I wanted to have a few beers in the new restaurant we were going to. So when  we went to a cocktail place first  I had a really nice non-alcoholic cocktail. My friends know I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and can’t mix drinks so this was n’t a problem. They know I get bad hangover headaches even when I don’t drink too much.

 

My hangover headache lasts a week

We got to the restaurant which we were visiting for the first time. Great atmosphere, just one problem. They only had a wine license. No beer. This was really embarrassing for my friend who had thoughtfully organised the night out in my honour.  All my close friends know I can’t drink wine because I get a massive hangover headache the next day. Red wine is particularly bad. A nuisance in many ways, but I believe my hangover problem has stopped me from   having serious problems with alcohol. When your hangover problem lasts a week (yes, that’s my record) and makes you feel severely depressed with constant nausea & vomiting you tend to drink less.

But when I saw my friend’s upset face, that she had n’t checked the restaurant served beer I decided to have a glass of wine. Knowing I was only having a single glass,  I said go for the red wine.  My  friends prefer red wine. So good humour restored, we had a really  lovely  enjoyable night.

 

I gave myself a hangover headache

The following day, after just a glass of red wine, I had a hangover  headache which needed painkillers. I cursed myself for deciding to take the glass of red wine just so I would not  upset my friend. I had n’t even enjoyed it. If I’m being honest, knowing my friend, once she saw me enjoying myself, her upset would not have lasted long and the slagging would have started.  But like many women do, I went into people pleasing mode.

 

Why are n’t you drinking?

The following Friday, another big night out for a friends 50th birthday. (Yeah I’m at that stage now) I told another friend I could pick them up as I was driving. I was faced with a barrage of questions

“why are n’t you drinking”.

Because of the previous week’s lesson with the hangover headache, I did n’t go into people pleasing mode. That plus the fact I had a lot to do on the Saturday meant this time  I stood my ground.

But it really struck me. How much alcohol is part of our lives. I don’t think any of my friends have an alcohol misuse problem. None of us are heavy drinkers. Yet, even in this group, I find myself constantly justifying not drinking.

 

Why are n’t you using grass?

“Alcohol is the only drug in the world where, when you stop taking it, you are seen as having a problem. The only drug in the work that you have to justify not taking”. (From Jason Veale) Nobody ever asks you why you are n’t using grass or ecstasy when you go out. Yet the harm  of alcohol abuse far outweigh the harm of   these other  illegal drugs.

 

Should I just give up drinking?

Would it be easier if I just tell everybody I’m giving up drinking altogether?  But I do enjoy an occasional beer, particularly with a meal so why should I?

I think I’ll try out a few of those non-alcohol beers, Lucy recommends and then decide.

 

Social life can make it hard to reduce drinking

So if you’re thinking of reducing your drinking, it’s really important to consider your social life.

Does your social life involve getting together over a few drinks and nothing else?  For many of us Irish, that’s the entirety of our social life. So you may need to plan different social activities which don’t involve drinking.

 

We’ll have a course on this shortly so sign up here, if you’d like to know when it comes available.

 

 

 

I once felt drawn to other big drinkers

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Personal stories, Relationships

Quitting drinking may result in you radically reassessing the people you want to share your life with. Of course, there is a big MAY in that sentence, and removing booze from your daily existence might not impact on your choice of partner or friends. But it could do, and it definitely had that effect upon areas of my life.

For me, quitting drinking turned out to be so much more than just living alcohol-free. Becoming sober was ultimately a truth mission. Alongside the eradication of my almost daily habit of getting wasted came an absolute need to cut out all the rubbish from my life. Sober, I could no longer lie to myself about what, or who, was making me happy.

I’ve shed a few friends over the last four years

I’ve shed a few friends over the last four years, but I’ve also gained some. And the friendships that I’ve made whilst sober are real, deep and enduring. They have cast a light on some of my older relationships that now appear fickle and shallow, bonding that emerged entirely out of a shared love of liquor and little else.

Friendships that arise out of alcohol-free association are, essentially, formed in truth. Shared interests and beliefs are crucial as social glue because there is no longer anything present to smooth away deep incompatibilities.

Dull when you are sober

Socialising with people who enjoy getting drunk is

a) dull when you are sober and

b) dangerous in terms of pulling you back into a heavy drinking lifestyle.

I was lucky in that my partner when I became alcohol-free mostly refrained from drinking in the house, and even when out socialising did not drink to excess. But I’m certain that I would’ve found those early weeks and months more of a challenge should I have been confronted with drunkenness routinely and at close proximity.

I once felt drawn to other big drinkers

Notably (and helpfully) just as I once felt drawn to other big drinkers, now I seem to have a finely tuned radar for seeking out people who are either completely booze-free or who don’t drink to excess.

I have come to realise in the last few sober years that as human beings we are such intricately woven creatures, with incredibly accurate instincts and intuitions. Alcohol, when consumed regularly and in large volumes, obliterates our sense of emotional balance and internal order, and consequently renders us incapable of making rational judgments in our lives. We pinball, make bad decisions, act unreasonably, and often lack the ability to behave appropriately in given situations, and all of this impacts on our relationships. Conversely, when sober, relationships can be nurtured with thought and consideration, and are built upon solid foundations of true feelings. We are far more likely to be pulled towards people with whom we are truly compatible and who allow us to act in a manner that is uncontrived and real.

Shedding dead wood

Becoming alcohol-free may require the shedding of some dead wood in terms of our social and personal lives, but this is a reflection of a more honest approach to responding to who we really are and what we, as individuals, fundamentally want out of life.